Mere Anarchy by Woody Allen

Author:Woody Allen
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
ISBN: 9780091930547
Publisher: Ebury Publishing

CAUTION, FALLING MOGULS

WHILE PERUSING THE times movie ads in desperate search of some bearable celluloid high jinks with which to palliate a summer of heat and barometric readings one associates with August in Yoknapatawpha County, I had the interesting fortune to find a little oddment entitled The Kid Stays in the Picture. This nostalgic documentary chronicled the rise of a young Prince Charming from a minor acting role as a matador to a taurine Hollywood studio head, laid low by the banderillas of blind ambition, marital heartbreak, and the untimely foreclosure by public servants of a commodious stash of nose candy. Emotionally shredded by this Euripidean tragedy, I eschewed sleep that night to mint a screenplay on the theme of hubris in Lotusland—a manuscript that promises to be an artistic and commercial event unexperienced since Howard the Duck. Some scenes follow.

Fade in on a papaya stand on Manhattan’s West Side. Dispensing franks and coconut milk is a hangdog pilgrim in his fifties whose prematurely aging visage speaks eloquently of suffering at fate’s mercurial whims. He is Mike Umlaut, who muses to himself ruefully while drawing a piña colada as his boss, Mr. Ectopic, looks on.

UMLAUT Saints preserve me. That I, Mike Umlaut, once resplendent CEO of a dream factory, vacuuming profits like a slot machine, am reduced to doling out tropical beverages as a means of keeping my stove warm.

ECTOPIC Let’s move it, Umlaut. There’s a customer bellowing for a corn dog.

UMLAUT Right away, sir. Just slicing a papaya in such wise as to retain its healthful vitamin content. (To himself, as he fetches a corn dog for an insistent eight-year-old) Ironic that I who began my career trafficking in victuals should end up in similar fashion.

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